Niceness
Growing up, our parents encourage us to be nice to everybody in order to be well accepted by society.
Aziz Gazipura defines niceness in “Not Nice: Stop Pleasing People, Staying Silent and Feeling Guilty … and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly and Unapologetically Being Yourself”. He defines it as monitoring yourself to make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t offend anyone. He states that at its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth.
However, do we have to consider another aspect of niceness? Could niceness arise out of fear? Is niceness inherently deceptive? Are there negative consequences of niceness? Is there an alternative to niceness?
Why are we nice?
Niceness: A Social Lubricant
We may believe that we are being nice because we do not want to ruffle any feathers and just want to preserve the status quo. Society requires us to be polite to one another and not to unduly step on one another’s toes. To this end, some authors have described niceness as a social lubricant.
In “I was Just Being Nice. When it Comes to Dating, is Being Nice a Form of Deceit?” by Laura Woods, she notes that at the heart of it, being nice is merely a social lubricant used to facilitate low friction interactions and avoid confrontation.
Niceness: Arises out of Fear?
Other authors, for their part, note that niceness arises out of fear. Aziz Gazipura in the aforementioned article states that being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. He states that it rather comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval. He notes that fear therefore drives niceness, not virtue.
In a similar vein, Alia Rahman in “The Myth of the Nice Person”, notes that fear causes us to put on a show of niceness for others. She notes that this fear of displeasing others causes us to hide our true feelings and opinions about issues and to be silent when we are expected to speak. We do this all in a bid to be nice.
Evelyn Sommers in “The Tyranny of Niceness: Unmasking the Need for Approval”, notes that being nice is not always a good thing, nor is it harmless or something to ignore. She states that to be nice means to silence ourselves in some way and thereby compromise our authehticity.
She describes the silence of niceness as meaning deference and obedience to authority or mere presence of others without question. She notes that niceness requires a stifling of opinions, preferences and behaviours. She further states that niceness as a way of life is typified by passitivity, obedience, denial, avoidance and the fear of making a direct, honest statement.
We observe this fear of making a direct, honest statement and show of deference to authority, all in the name of niceness, in the story of “The Emperor’s New Clothes”. This is a folktale by the Danish author Hans Christian Andersen. In the story, an Emperor pays a lot of money for some new magic clothes which only wise people can see. Con men who do not really sew anything make the supposed clothes. The Emperor does not admit that he cannot see the clothes as he does not want to appear stupid.
When the Emperor is paraded about the town to show off his new clothes, he is, in fact, naked. However, everyone, out of the fear of making an honest statement, out of deference to authority and not wanting to appear stupid, describes the clothes as magnificent. Only a little child is bold enough to shout out that the Emperor is stark naked.
Such a stifling of opinions in the name of niceness encourages wrongdoing and leads to absurdity.
The Deceptive and Manipulative Nature of Niceness
Niceness is also deceptive and manipulative. People may be nice to others because they have ulterior motives and usually expect something else in return for being nice.
Alia Rahman, in the aforementioned article, notes that niceness exists in order to avoid controversy and in essence to manipulate others. She describes nice people as chameleons. In comparing and contrasting niceness with kindness, she notes that kindness comes from a place of authenticity and abundance and that kind people want to be kind. On the other hand, nice people feel that they have to be nice. She notes that niceness has an agenda and seeks a specific reaction, gain and return whereas kindness does not.
Evelyn Sommers in the aforementioned article, expresses a similar view about niceness involving pretence. She notes that in the extreme, the really nice person is a chameleon, saying nothing even as others behave offensively and express outrageous disturbing opinions.
For her part, Rachel Beohm in “Don’t be Nice”, states that niceness is not a character trait but is an outcome-oriented behaviour that people put on in order to achieve or gain something. She notes that superficially putting on socially-acceptable behaviours in order to get what we want from people is manipulation. She states that serial killers, embezzlers and con artists can be nice. She further states that being nice is a huge part of the serial nature of these crimes. This is because no one suspects that such a nice person could do such horrible things.
We see the manipulative nature of niceness in the poem of “The Spider and the Fly”, by Mary Howitt. The poem is about a cunning spider that entraps a fly into its web. The spider uses seduction and manipulation to entrap the fly. The fly initially refuses the spider’s invitation to enter the spider’s web, which the spider nicely describes as a parlour. The first stanza is as follows:
“Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly,
” ‘Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I have many curious things to shew when you are there.”
“Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne’er come down again.”
The spider persists by assuring the fly of its warm affection and by flattering the fly. The spider describes the fly’s handsome gauzy wings and brilliant, diamond-bright eyes. The flattery of the seemingly nice spider sways the fly and it enters the spider’s web, only for the spider to consume it. This shows how manipulative niceness can be. It also shows how niceness can be used as a front for potential evil.
Negative Consequences of Niceness
A Compromise of our Authenticity
Being nice also has some negative consequences. Because we do not want to offend others, we are not as truthful as we should be. We therefore pretend to be what we are not. We thus compromise our authenticity.
Alia Rahman, in the aforementioned article, states that over time, nice behaviour leads to the creation of a giant impasse between who we really are and the image that we present to the world. She describes niceness as articficial and dangerously shallow.
Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
As being nice involves bottling up our feelings in order not to offend others, this results in passive-aggressive behaviour. This is a type of behaviour characterised by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.
Alia Rahman, in the aforementioned article, notes that nice people hold grudges, rarely dealing with their feelings, so they remain consumed by them. She describes nice people as passive-aggressive because they have not learnt how to relay their feelings productively.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can damage relationships and makes communication difficult.
An Alternative to Niceness
So if niceness is so deceptive and manipulative, what is the alternative? Are we to ride roughshod over other people’s feelings and to be rude, not taking social norms into consideration?
Far from it. We can follow social norms but we should endeavour not to lose our authentic selves in the process. In our desire not to offend others, we should not be dishonest, hiding our true feelings and not following our values. Rather than being constrained by the need to be nice, we should strive to be kind.
Aziz Gazipura states in the aforementioned article that the opposite of niceness is not being insulting but being real, direct, honest and truthful. Rachel Beohm, for her part, in the aforementioned article, states that the solution is to act, speak and live according to our rules. She states that we should let our values guide our words and actions in which case, being nice will be irrelevant.
May we endeavour to be kind and authentic, and not to be constrained by society’s requirement of being nice.
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Very insightful. I have been really “nice” moving on to the real me, cloaked in authentic kindness. Thank you
You’re most welcome 😄
This is insightful and practical. Thank you, Madam.
Most welcome.
The write up feels like “niceness” is being persecuted!
The article does not appear to reveal where to draw the line between “being nice” and “being kind”. Unless we can clearly establish that a person is being artificially nice, I will argue that “niceness” is a major indicator of “kindness”. How can you be kind without being nice?
Being considerate of how your words or actions can unduly inflict a distasteful effect on a person’s feelings should not be necessarily seen as being manipulative, but rather unselfish and thoughtful.
Choosing to use “acceptable language”, which is nice, as an option, to express yourself is a positive conscious act that promotes civility and serenity. Needless carnage has been the result of engagements that regrettably did not consider the impact of the choice of words. People often confess regret of “how” they expressed themselves at the point of reconciliation.
“Being nice” could also be a deliberate decision to be tolerant and accommodating of the other.
In effect, I propose that the arguments made against “niceness” are insufficient grounds to discredit it as an undesirable trait.
Thanks for your comments. Most appreciated.
I got my lost self back…thank you
Keep it up!!we’re indeed learning
Thanks so much.
You’re most welcome.
As our teacher you were real and direct. You chose that over being nice but we all ended up liking you. This is an Eye-opener; indeed most, if not all of us are nice because of the fear of being ridiculed or not being accepted.
Like some people say “leadership is not about being nice; and that if you want to be nice sell ice cream “. Most leaders, for the fear of disapproval from their subordinates or followers tend to be nice.
Thanks for your kind words. Indeed, it applies to leadership too.
There was a time I was nice to please others but now I just treat people right as the Spirit enables and there is so much liberation in being absolutely yourself and loving others.
Extremely grateful that you shed light on the alternative to manipulation and men-pleasing. Very elucidating. Thank you 🙏 learning so much from these posts
Thanks for your comments and you are most welcome.
Awesome. I’m learning a lot from you, Learned Senior.
Thanks so much counsel.
Great piece Heidi. Excellently written.
Thanks Franklina.
Being nice, I think is a deliberate and conscious act, mostly altruistic. There is no compulsion/coercion involved and yes, the action serves as a social lubricant. Its effect is like seeing the rainbow breakout in the sky after a storm. It is not a demand one makes: it is an offer one takes. And both the ‘offerer’ and ‘offeree” feel a deep sense of satisfaction at the end.
A youngman in a bus who decides to offer his seat /defer to an oldlady standing in the bus does so not out of fear/compulsion or expection of a reward from the oldlady, but because he wants to shine a bright rainbow in the life of that lady. And sure, that certainly feels nice. There is a general sense of bliss and satisfaction both the gentleman and the old woman will feel. And that’s what makes all the difference.
To be nice is to be courteous, and to be courteous is to be nice. We all need that, lol
Thanks for your comments.
I perfectly agree with you. Being nice is self refreshing and fulfilling!
Even if prompted by fear, the outcome is mostly rewarding to all parties and can be considered as the “lesser sacrifice” to make by the offeror at that moment.
Thanks for your comments.
Inspirational! Proud of you!
Thanks so much.