Love
Love, they say, is blind. We generally explain this to mean that we do not see the faults of those we love.
But why is this so? Why do we not see the faults of our loved ones? Do we make a conscious decision not to see those obvious faults? Does love truly blind us? What exactly happens to us when we fall in love?
Why we fall in love
I will not delve into the love hormones of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin as this is not a medical journal or treatise. But granted we do get a huge release of these chemicals in our brains when we do fall in love, does it mean that we are helpless when it does happen?
Why do we fall in love? The sexologist, John Money, suggests that we each have a “love map”. This is a person’s emotional, internal blueprint for their ideal erotic, sexual situations. He purports that the love map becomes established at an early age. He states that it bears the mark of the person’s unique individuality, like an accent in a spoken language.
As a girl, I may have been doted upon by my father who was an erudite scholar, mild-mannered, very ambitious, tall, dark, broad shouldered and hairy. Barring us veering into a discussion of an Oedipus complex, would it be any wonder if I am predisposed to fall in love with such a man who ticks all if not most of the boxes with respect to the characteristics listed above?
Given the choice between a tall accountant who is ambitious and has plans of setting up his own consultancy; who continuously improves himself through continuous learning; who is sensitive to my feelings and romantic, an introvert who takes time to smell the roses and a short, abrasive, quick-tempered labourer with no drive or ambition, only living for today, would it be any wonder if I pick the accountant instead of the labourer?
Granted, some of the components of our love map may be more important to us than others. For example, sensitivity may be more important than height, and as such we may be prepared to compromise if all our needs are not met. However, some, on the other hand, may be non-negotiable, such as education. Thus, I may immediately strike an illiterate out of this list of possibilities, even if he were to tick all the other boxes.
Cost-Benefit Analysis of Love
If an individual is fortunate enough to meet a person who satisfies 75% or 80% of the requirements of that individual when it comes to that individual’s love map, emotions go haywire. Reason flies out of the window. This is even more so if that individual has hitherto had challenges in meeting someone who satisfies even 40% of that individual’s requirements.
The world is suddenly a better place. There is a reason to get out of bed every morning. Finally, someone out there thinks I am great and unique and appreciates my being, thus validating my very existence. What more could I wish for? What a wonderful world!
So, what if he is slightly irresponsible? What if he tells lies every now and then? What if he is possessive, is it not a sign of how much he loves me? What if he occasionally gets violent. Do we not punish those we love?
Elective Blindness
Whereas you, unclouded by love, may see these traits as red flags, which they indeed are, the person in love is blind to these traits. The person in love does not see or chooses not to see these faults. This is because it would be too painful for the person in love to acknowledge these faults. To acknowledge the faults and to choose to walk away is equated to reverting to a lonely life with no one to love, no one to validate your existence. Do not forget, this guy meets 80% of my criteria! Why should I let him go? What if I do not meet anyone else? These are genuine fears and concerns.
But is this elective blindness worth it? Is it worth living a life of abuse, being hounded all the time, not even being able to socialize because your partner is consumed with jealousy at every turn? What about living with a pathological liar? Can you ever trust a word of what that person says? Yet still, what about living in perpetual poverty because your significant other is so irresponsible and squanders any money you make?
On the other hand, am I prepared to be alone? What if I do not meet anyone else? What if all the others that I meet do not even match up to this guy who meets 80% of my criteria?
Euphoria or Calculated Choices?
If the purported faults are minor ones such as being forgetful of your birthday, being disorganized around the house or not being romantic, we can conveniently overlook them. But who determines what fault is major and what is minor? Are these not highly subjective? When we exempt a partner’s violent behavior which may put your life at risk, who is to determine that being romantic is a minor trait? What if romance is more important to me than responsibility? But will romance pay the bills? But then what if I am rich and just need a romantic partner? Is that not my choice to make?
So, love may very well be blind. Will love, not being blind, diminish the euphoria of falling in love?
The book below entitled “Why You Act the Way You Do”, by Tim LaHaye, describes how our various temperaments affect our behaviour, which in turn, influences our choices. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
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